


Oh Naïve bird, come back home

by skam2607



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Director Even, Doctor Isak, Doctor Sana, F/M, Future Fic, Kind of the same universe, M/M, Mania, Married Couple, Mention of mania and depression, Miscommunication, Multi, POV Even, Panic Attacks, Parents, Post-Break Up, Teacher Yousef, l will add more tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 23:32:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11115207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skam2607/pseuds/skam2607
Summary: They broke up. It felt mutual at the time but over the course of time, Even felt like he kind of took the decision unilaterally. Now he is back to make things right, to give another shot at loving Isak Valtersen. He doesn't know if he'll be able to do it or not. Because they haven't talk to each other once, making him wonder if Isak blames him.[ On indefinite hiatus ]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I am trying this new fic. Don't know how it has turned out though. Feel free to give your suggestions and feedback. Everything is appreciated.

Outside the hospital stands a tall, very tall man, leaning against the wall in a way that he is hidden somewhat from the people coming out or going inside the doors but the man himself has full view of the entrance and the few plastic tables and chairs outside making a small sitting area. The tables are surrounded by few plants which are in pots and some wild grass and shrubs which either were resilient enough or the hospital staff was careless enough to let them grow. They do paint quite an interesting picture though, the man thinks in his head. Inside the hospital where everything is controlled, clinically clean and spotless, smelling of disinfectants and drugs, tries to defy nature but just outside the doors, nature is growing and flourishing on its own in the form of plants which are in the pots (making their growth slightly artificial if you are a cynic or nourished if you are a believer) and look like they are taken care regularly and the wild, untamed, unwanted but unavoidable grass. Two forms of the same things, evoking two different emotions when looked upon but giving a sense of calm nonetheless.

The man wonders why the staff won't just rip out the unplanned growth, not that he is complaining. There are some dandelions, swaying proudly with the gentle wind, in a similar way as the blonde hair of a man, who is surrounded by all that is green and nature but he himself is sitting in a plastic chair and eating (or trying to) out of a plastic container. The man is wearing blue scrubs and all of his attention is focused on a thick book placed on the table beside the plastic food container.

To someone just casually glancing in his direction, the first man may look menacing, considering his height, slightly muscular appearance, black sunglasses covering his eyes, hair all flat and rumpled as he has been running his fingers through them either as a habit or as a nervous tick and the fact that he is standing there looking all mysterious and suspicious and hasn't moved from his spot in more than five minutes now. But if you pay attention, you can see that the man, Even is his name, is pensive. Offcourse, you can't see the emotions in his eyes to be exactly sure but the face says it. His mouth is pressed in a hard line and his expressions are of distress or nervousness. He is looking ahead towards the small sitting area where the other man is sitting.

There are few other people also sitting in the neighbouring tables, some wearing clothes that suggest they are employees of the hospital and some wearing casual clothes suggesting that they are visitors. You can pick out if they are visiting the people working at the hospital or someone admitted in the hospital by the expressions on their faces and body language. But the man, Isak, who has captured Even's attention is sitting alone.

Isak is beautiful....Okay, enough with the narration, Even scolds himself mentally. This isn't one of the movie he is watching or a scene of the story he is reading to determine whether to direct or not. This is his life and that is his Isak and he in fact, is breathtakingly beautiful.

Okay. Why were you even expecting otherwise, Even chuckles to himself. Just because he hasn't seen Isak in near five years, doesn't mean that he won't be as beautiful as he remembered him to be. To be fair, sometimes Even has thought that actually. He sometimes wondered that no way Isak was this beautiful as his mind made him to be. He used to think that it was his heart missing Isak too much. But then again there were photographs screaming as the proof, not recent ones though because Isak didn't post pictures of himself anymore on instagram. He did feature in photographs posted by the boys and sometimes the girls too, sometimes looking tired, sometimes drunk and/or high but no matter whatever the condition, he always managed to look gorgeous.

Isak was no longer a boy of seventeen that made Even stop in his tracks on his very first day of Nissen where he stood staring dumbfounded and couldn't stop thinking about him and staring at him from afar for months, just waiting for any kind of sign to make a move. Isak was a man of twenty seven now but the boyish features were still visible to someone who is known to them. For example, his nose was scrunched in concentration as he stared hard at the thick book opened in front of him. His hair were longer and kept coming in front of his eyes, he was pushing them back but the stubborn and wild curls just did what they wanted, the wind wasn't as strong but it was enough to caress them and make them fall. They really were longer. The hair made him look so much younger than his actual age. Even wondered why he hasn't got a cut yet because it was March and Isak usually gets his hair cut around this time, well... he used to, five years ago. 

Even had no idea what "the usual" means for Isak now.

And whose fault is that, you pathetic fuck? A voice said in his mind. It probably belonged to the 19 years old him who was so desperate to love Isak and get loved in return by him and who made promise to himself once he got that love that he won't ever lose it.

Now is not the time to remember how much he fucked up. Pay attention, Even.

Isak was still reading and there was a fork in his right hand which he was rolling around mindlessly in the container which had some type of food that Even couldn't see clearly. It was definitely some kind of green-ish looking thing. Huh? When did this happen? Isak wasn't a fan of anything healthy, Even knew that. Again his mind supplied the whole "5 years argument" and Even felt something coming upto his throat. He gulped to make himself breathe again.

Yeah, he had really fucked up everything and the Isak sitting now, may be entirety different from the Isak that he fell in love with, loved all these years and still loves. But there was no other way to find out except to go and talk to him.

It was easier said than done.

Okay. Okay. Even psyched himself to walk up to Isak. This was the first time he has been able to find Isak alone. The last two times when he managed to catch a sight of him, he was surrounded by people. First time it was Jonas and the boys and they were in the bar where Even knew Isak liked to go to. Even was a coward. He was just about enough courageous to talk to Isak alone. He couldn't face the fury of Jonas. Also he knew that if Isak was alone, then may be he'll be able to handle the situation a bit better. Isak may get angry, throw things at him, cry or outright refuse to even talk to him. But Even was confident enough that he will be able to pacify him and make him listen.

Back to the other people. Jonas was the angrier one after their break up. Isak never said anything to him. Didn't ask for the reason, didn't plead to not let go of what they had, didn't get angry either. But Jonas did. He sent him emails calling him several names and things that are justified, Even believed then and believes it now too.

What if Isak's silence meant indifference or hate, Even wondered. But Isak had once said that he could never hate him and yeah alright... Even knew he was being a selfish asshole here. He had done a very shitty thing and it would be totally okay if Isak did in fact hate him. But Isak was a beautiful person, inside and out, so full of love and Even was a selfish fucker but he needed to have Isak back in his life. If Isak didn't hate him, that meant he had a chance and by god, Even was ready to face anything for that chance, just not the fierce protectiveness of Jonas and Sana for Isak.

 

Because the next time when he saw Isak was outside a supermarket. He was with Sana and was holding her baby girl in his arms. Sana was putting the groceries inside the car and Yousef was helping her. Isak looked so beautiful then, and seeing him with the baby made something break in a thousand pieces inside of Even's heart and the noise of that came out as a sob. Even couldn't go to him when Sana was with him. Sana was very protective of Isak and Yousef had told him that she was mad at him for breaking Isak's heart all those years ago. "She will rip your heart out, Even so don't go near to her or Isak"--- Yousef has suggested on the day when Even went to visit him in the school where he worked as a teacher.

That was the reason why Even has been waiting outside the hospital where Isak and Sana worked, hoping that he'd be able to catch him alone. And now seemed to be great time for that. Even has waited a full five minutes in case someone came out to be with Isak.

He could have texted Isak first but there were two problems with that, first, he didn't know if Isak has the same number and second, he didn't know if Isak would agree to see him, so he didn't want to take the risk. Yeah, he was kind of ambushing Isak here but Even feels like he has already given enough justification for this so don't judge him here.

So Even stood up straight and started walking. With every step that he took to get closer to Isak, his heart rate increased exponentially and Isak looked more and more beautiful. Even had a full speed prepared. He was going to ask for a chance to earn his forgiveness, then he will ask for a chance to make things right and hopefully, get back together with Isak, no matter how long it takes. He was going to win Isak back. 

 

But before he reached near enough for Isak to notice him, Even saw Sana coming out of the door. He panicked, turned around and walked back to his hiding place. God, he was pathetic but it was already established. He was again there, sulking and feeling dejected.

Sana came and sat in the chair beside Isak and Isak smiled at her. That smile which had haunted Even but which was also a companion of all the time and a tool for his mind to get some reassurance in the dark days that somewhere that smile was still alive which meant that things weren't that bad, which meant that he could keep going and wait for the sun to fight its way out of the gloomy clouds. Sana and Isak were discussing something and Isak was flipping through the pages of the book which could only have one meaning, they were fighting over something, both of them unwilling to back down and relentless to prove themselves right. Even watched in amusement and a wave of nostalgia hit him. He had seen the exact same thing happening several times throughout all those years, sometimes in the library, sometimes in their apartment and sometimes in crowded cafes. They didn't care if the elderly librarian lady shushed them or teenage girls clicking selfies with their coffees looked at them and made faces.

God, he missed it so much. He stood there, didn't care who saw him and thought whatever, didn't flinch at the way his heart was hurting, didn't know why it felt like something was healing inside his heart, didn't dare to look away from the sight where Isak was pouting and flailing his arms around because Isak has the habit of using his face and arms to emphasise his point and being the dramatic fuck while doing it and Even finds that whole thing so fucking adorable.

No. Isak hasn't change that much. He was still the grumpy, adorable little shit who was once again making Even's heart beat fast and threatening to jump out of his chest. He had felt like this only a few times in the last five years. The rush, the excitement, adrenaline mixed with nervousness and fear and by the fucking god, Even craves this particular cocktail of emotions so much. Very few things are capable of giving this particular feeling to him beside his mania and Isak was and still is one of those few things.

After another ten minutes or so, he saw Yousef approaching Isak and Sana. He was carrying Sahar, Sana and Yousef's 10 months old baby girl. Even has met her when he went to visit Yousef, after making sure that Sana was still at the hospital. Baby Sahar is beautiful, taking after her mother as Yousef had pointed out proudly while lulling the baby to sleep. Even had gone to visit him because he was the only person who had some insights about Isak's life and didn't hate him. The "didn't hate him" part was important. Yousef told him that Isak was doing good, he was happy with his life and also that it took him quite a while to reach there after the break up. He didn't like the idea of Even going back into his life, in fact he was strongly against it. 

Yes, Even is a selfish fucker. He has already established it. He needs to know if could get back Isak in his life.

Even was more than surprised when he saw that before Sana could stand up and take the baby from Yousef, it is Isak who stood up too fast and almost rushed to take the baby in his arms. Sana watched the whole interaction but didn't react except for a smile, which means it is another thing that is now common. Isak was so not fond of babies in general (was is right here because by the looks if it, he is no longer like that). Isak sat in his chair while making faces at the baby. Yousef and Sana watching the whole thing and talking with each other. They were still as in love as before. They got married three years ago and Even was so happy when he got the invitation from Yousef. He couldn't attend the wedding but Yousef had sent him photographs.

The scene unfolding in front of Even was so beautiful, and he'd know because he was a director and he looked at every thing through the imaginary camera in his mind . He couldn't hear what they were talking but he knew they were happy. He heard their laughter through his eyes.

Isak was still playing with the baby when Sana said something and extended her arms towards him, probably to take the baby. Even saw Isak making a face and then looking at Yousef who sat across from him. Even could only see Yousef's back so he didn't know what expressions were there but whatever it was that Yousef said, made Isak roll his eyes and let Sana take the baby. Isak sat there, looking at the mother and the child, smiling and brushing his hair back with his fingers now that his hands were free. He looked so fucking amazing and Even felt like falling in love all over again. It was just like the first time when he saw Isak standing with Jonas, brushing his curls backward with his fingers and then placing the snapback on his head.

Even's phone pinged, telling him that he got a text message. It was his mother asking if he was going to have dinner with them or eat out with friends. Even didn't have friends, not literally but five years a long time and people change, they move on plus he didn't really tried to keep in contact with them so they weren't exactly overzealous of him coming back in their life. Most of them were busy in shaping their careers or relationships to hang out with him. He could call them but he didn't want to do it, not right now at least. Right now the only thing he wanted to do that was get Isak to start talking to him again.

Isak didn't talk to him for three years after the break up. It was a complete radio silence from his side. Even sent him occasional texts, telling him about his projects, wishing him on important days. He texted him on his birthday but Isak never sent one word in return. But two years ago, Isak wished him on his birthday and Even was so happy. He wrote back an email to say thank you and he asked about his life. Isak didn't reply. The same thing has continued. Isak wishes him on birthdays, new years, Christmas but that's it.

The first few times when he got anything from Isak, he felt so happy. It meant that Isak was finally ready to have him back in his life after the three years of silence but then this new relationship between them stagnated. It never became even a bit more personal. It remained like an obligatory, formal relationship between two people who knew each other in the past somehow and there wasn't any chance of it being anything more than that but you still can't take them out of the contact list and wish them on important days without really meaning the sentiment behind the said words in the messages or the spirit of that particular thing you are wishing each other for.

It irked Even, so fucking much.

He and Isak could never be... just that. They loved each other too much to be reduced to just being distant acquaintances, but then again things didn't really were as rosy in the end to give him some hope to think otherwise. Though, it was somewhat a mutual decision to end their five year long relationship, Even sometimes really wonders if he alone made the decision for the both of them and Isak just, just decided to go with it---either because he was tired of the constant lack of trying from both sides or because he was over Even. The former one was less scary than the later, to be honest.

He himself never got over Isak. The first three years when Isak didn't show any sign of wanting to talk to him and pretended like Even didn't even exist, he was still somehow hopeful. He thought that Isak was hurt or angry and that's why he was avoiding him but it also meant that he was not over him, that he still thought about him, that he wasn't over him either. Its a fucked up logic, Even knows it, no need to point it out. But....but he is grasping for strands here, in this ocean of unknown that is his and Isak's relationship now. He'll take anything for any semblance of a hopeful future.

He saw Yousef and Sana standing up, exchanging few words and smiles and then Yousef leaned to take Sahar from Sana. He kissed his wife on the cheek. He said something to Isak and it must have been something private ongoing joke or something because all three of them were laughing now. Even was jealous, sad and somehow angry, on what though he didn't know exactly.

Be angry at yourself, idiot, the nineteen year old him screamed inside his head. There were four chairs around the table where Isak, Sana and Yousef were standing now. Four. Even wished to be the one occupying the fourth seat. To sit across Sana, between Isak and Yousef. To laugh at that private joke that they just shared with each other. To take Baby Sahar in his arms and smile at Isak to give him hints that he wants the same. He used to do that when they were together, when Isak used to say that he didn't like babies and Even decided to change his mind slowly but effectively over the course of years that he was sure they'd spend together.

God, what the fuck he did and why the fuck he did it. There was nothing anywhere else for him, except Isak. How the fuck did he manage to forget it. Suddenly all that he was proud of achieving in the past few years felt really insignificant and pointless and being with Isak mattered more than anything. A panic rose in his stomach, flooding his guts and reaching up to his throat. Even took deep breaths to calm himself down. He felt like he was being weird enough already by standing there for more than 20 minutes now. Having a full blown panic attack will attract unwanted attention and also the attention which he wanted the most, Isak's. He didn't want Isak to see him like that, when he was struggling to get his breaths steady and God, he was failing it.

He closed his eyes and started thinking of calm things as his therapist has suggested to do in situations exactly like this. Calm water of a lake, silence of a forest, that wallpaper of a landscape he saw sometime when he was little but it still managed to make him relax, Isak's smile, his face--- no it was just making him more sad. He shook his head as to literally make thoughts of Isak fall away like dry leaves from trees. It didn't work, off course it didn't work. He took few more deep breaths and then opened his eyes.

He saw Yousef walking towards the car with the baby so he turned to look towards Isak and Sana. They were still standing and talking but then Sana turned to go inside the hospital and Isak sat in his chair, picked up the container, rolled his fork around and took a bite. Yes, it was something green and Even made a mental note to ask Isak about this and possibly tease him about it. He hoped he'd get to do that, he was certain that Isak will roll his eyes and Even then will kiss him and will feel Isak smiling in the kiss.

God, please let him have it.

It seemed that Isak was now again alone and Even decided to quickly go to him, not wanting to prolong his misery anymore. He took three deep breaths, clenched and unclenched his fists and took the first step towards the love of his life.


	2. Chapter 2

Even knows already that this was a possibility and to a degree which made it an inevitability, practically. It had made him somewhat anxious when he was still trying to decide about his decision to come back but if only the anxiousness of humans could stop the inevitabilities. They happen, just like this---this unwanted but now absolutely certain thing... Isak having another man in his life.

He felt the dread of it inside his gut even before it actually happened in front of his eyes. He saw him, the another man in Isak's life, coming from the opposite direction, with facial expressions and body language that were quite literally opposite of what Even had. Where Even was nervous, a bit excited but mostly scared, he was grinning and looked cheerful and beaming. Where Even's feet felt heavy to make moving forward a bit difficult, he was practically skipping. But one thing they had common in them was--- they both were walking towards the same blonde man sitting in between them and reading a book.

Even was unable to think anymore and he wanted to stop walking but his vision was becoming blurry and he was thinking how he will become the person who meets with his ex (whom he haven't seen in 5 long years) with another person being happy, while he himself looks like a road kill. Something akin to the sixth sense may have acted in his brain or may be it was the Universe trying to save him, but some sort of mechanics kicked start inside him and made him halt in his steps. 

Isak was still out of reach and that other man was coming nearer and nearer to Isak and then he was hugging his shoulders from behind and kissing his cheek violently and laughing, no actually, they both were laughing and Even was looking for a place to hide again and not trying to choke on air that was furiously going in and out of his lungs. A pair of mother and child were coming towards him and the boy was pointing in his direction and his mother was trying to get him to stop and giving Even an apologetic and polite smile, but he could see some other things on her face too. Probably judgment and why not. He was a 29 year old man, hiding behind a tree, taking loud breaths and getting himself to calm down. His leg was shaking and he wanted it to stop.

He didn't look back or couldn't look back, is the correct thing to say. He was running to his car in the instance, but metaphorically from other things too.

He knew that it was a possibility, he is not delusional. He knew he won't have it so easy. He couldn't just come back after five years and expect that Isak would come running into his arms. And he was ready to face everything. He was ready to fight. He just needed to know what exactly he had to fight and the "new boyfriend" is the thing that he should have definitely known about. That's why he went to Yousef. To ask, to know about everything that was going in Isak's life. But Yousef, very conveniently forgot to mention that part. Even knows it isn't Yousef's fault and he has no right to be mad about it but... He is a bit mad because this piece of information is very important and he would have liked to know it before he decided to approach Isak.

He had to drive pass the front side of the hospital and Even physically forced himself to not look in the direction. He won't be able to handle it, he knows it. His breathing is still a bit far from calm and he knows that whatever he'd find in that direction, won't in anyway help to ease his situation. So he drives with his destination in mind and the GPS. Sana was still in the hospital which meant Yousef would be alone in the house. Even didn't text first. He also doesn't know what he is going to say to Yousef but he figured he'll find that out when he reaches there.

Yousef opened the door and before he had any chance to acknowledge his presence, Even nudged him slightly to his side and moved past him inside the house.

"What the fuck,Even?" Yousef's voice didn't match his words. His words were if someone shouting but his voice was nothing more than a whisper.

"You tell me what the fuck? Why didn't you tell me..." Before Even could say anything else, Yousef's eyes widened and then he shushed him while bringing his index finger to his lips to gesture Even to not speak. Even didn't know what was happening. So he tries to open his mouth again to speak but Yousef beats him to it, again whispering. "Sahar is sleeping, so please can you just not shout?"

Oh. Oh. Sahar. Yousef has a daughter. Even remembers and felt like crap. He doesn't know why he is behaving like an asshole. He is sour about the whole thing but that is not the reason or excuse to behave like that, least of all to Yousef who has been nothing but happy upon seeing him again. He sighs in frustration and makes his way to sit down on the sofa. Yousef joined him after a few seconds. Yousef has a look on his face which Even decided was sympathy, not pity though. Yousef is good like that.

"Isak is dating someone." Even said with defeat.

For a moment Yousef doesn't say anything and looked at Even. He seems shocked as to how Even knows about him. "Adrian. Yeah... I know him." Yousef said and slumped against the backrest of the sofa.

Even follows him. He doesn't find this surprising. It was plausible that Yousef knew about him. Adrian. Sana and Isak are friends which made Yousef and Isak friends and which means that Yousef and Adrian would be friends. Yes. It is plausible but Even still doesn't like it. He is being petty. "So you met Isak?"

"No. I went to meet Isak but then I saw him...Adrian"--- Even feels bitter saying the name and he doesn't like what is happening to him in this moment---"they were kissing... So I left."

Yousef nods but says nothing for a while. Even welcomes the silence too. "That's why I was telling you to...let it go. Isak is very happy with him and everyone else seems to like the guy too. Jonas and Sana too."

"Do you like him too?" Even knows he shouldn't ask this question with this much suspicion and betrayal. He immediately hopes that Yousef doesn't hear it in his voice. Yousef is allowed to like whomever he wants too, he can be friends with him too. But Even also wants someone to be at his side. Like he needs to know that if a time comes, his friend will choose him and not this guy---Even cant say the name without feeling bitter, he realises.

"Sure. I mean, he comes with Isak sometimes at parties and stuff. I've met him at the hospital too. He was also there when we had the baby. He seems like a really nice guy, a bit obnoxious but decent, I guess."

Well, that settles it then. This information doesn't do anything for Even, not to ease him at least. Everyone seems to be liking the new guy and hate him. Jonas sent him very explicit email about how he ruined Isak's life. Sana will apparently rip his heart out as Yousef has mentioned very kindly and Isak.... Isak seems to like kissing him and laughing with him but he still doesn't like to reply to Even's messages.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the late update but life has been shitty lately but I am trying to pull through. I will try to update regularly now. Thanks to everyone who liked the story and commented. ❤ 
> 
> Warning - mention of previous depressive episodes

Even feels tired even though he has been lying in bed for three straight days now and have done zero physical work, save for one trip to the grocery store down the street. His studio has been calling him all day today. It was an important meeting regarding the new show but he can't bring himself to care much. He has been sleeping mostly but also thinking about everything. 

Mikael called yesterday wanting to meet. Elias was back from London so the whole gang wanted to get together. Even called and talked to Elias who is in town till next Saturday, so they decided to meet up next week someday. Well, there is a strong chance of Even not going to do that but he hasn't seen his friend in 5 years save for a few Skype sessions scattered over the years. He wants to see his friends, to reconnect going by the rate, he is not gonna make it probably.

He knows he doesn't have the luxury to just lie in bed and stare at nothing because before he'd even be able to realise, the depression will creep back silently and then he won't be able to get out of bed for weeks. Soon his bones will feel like they are crushing under their own weight, his brain will dig up every shitty thing that he did or happened to him. He will feel guilty about some of them and some will feel like he deserved them. Soon breathing will become harder and the light will feel harsh on his skin.

He knows no matter how heart broken he might feel right now, he also needs to get out of the bed and move around, may be take a walk or visit his mom or go to work or read some scripts. Anything else except for lying in bed and think.

But its easier said than done. He hates the fact he can't even take the time to mop around like other people and its not really helping his current situation right now. He needs to get up and move but he can't muster the energy and the willpower to do so. 

After another hour or so he got out of bed, took a shower and left the apartment with no particular destination in mind. He'd figure out it later. Right now his only worry was to get out of building before he changes his again and goes to hide under the multiple blankets even though its not that chilly right now.

After wandering around for an hour he reached a coffee shop which was a relief. His body was heavily protesting all this physical activity after days of being immobile and he needed to stop, to think. He ordered his preferred order but couldn't really enjoy or feel the taste. There is a painting hung on the wall at his right side which has lots of colors and shapes, the colors are vibrant but Even can not feel them. Its the exactly kind of painting he'd admire usually but not today. Today it feels loud and overbearing and it hurts his eyes so he looks away. But only his eyes stop wandering around because his mind is running wild and untamed. He was thinking about a lot of things, mainly his project and Isak. Right now, all of his resolve to win him back was draining out faster than he could have imagined. If Isak was really happy, Even had no right or desire to be the asshole and ruin the stability because he knows Isak needs it. But another part of him wants to meet Isak, even if just for one time, to know what Isak thinks about him now, if he may want him.

"Even? Is that you?" A voice breaks his thought process and he moved his head around towards the source of it and there stood the Guru. Eskild. He looked the same but a little older. His smile was the same, sincere, familiar and kind. Even wondered for a second if he is that good of an actor or really happy to see him. He was leaning towards the first option because after five years, Oslo and its people didn't seem that welcoming and homely to him. Everything and everyone feels distant and unfamiliar. Five years is a long time, Even knows that. Life moved on and people changed.

"Hi, Eskild." Even stood up to shake hands with Eskild but the other man just pulled him in an unexpected hug. Even gave one surprised squeal but after a moment he felt happy. He returned the hug with as much enthusiasm he could muster and hoped that Eskild won't find him rude or disinterested. Even needed that hug right now, more than he'd ever admit.

Eskild pulled back and smiled at him. A smile full of something Even couldn't understand fully but it felt like understanding and genuine affection. Eskild was really beaming after a few seconds and yelling about coincidences and few OMGs in between that Even found endearing. "So, you are back?"

Eskild asked as he took a seat and Even followed suit. He picked up his coffee and took a sip to avoid looking at Eskild and to have something to do so that Eskild couldn't see how nervous he was. "Uh,yeah. Two weeks ago."

Eskild nodded and mumbled something likes of agreement or acknowledgment. "Any specific reason or are you back for good?"

Hmmm. Even thought. He really didn't know the answer to this, not at the moment anyway. He had a answer two weeks ago and he thought that he was back for good even though the TV series that he was to direct was only planned to have one season.

But his answer was Isak. He had always missed Isak, there was never a doubt in his mind about it. There were times when he had seriously considered going back to Norway but the life in Copenhagen was good and kind of settled. He was assistant to one of his favourite director and he worked hard enough that he even got to direct alongside him.

Something felt missing though, always and this feeling became more intense during last year. Everything was going good professionally but his personal life was not getting better. He was confused and missed Isak terribly.

He needed a reason or a sign from the Universe to determine what to do then.

But then one of the longest depressive episode hit him and the whole time that he spent in bed questioning and evaluating reasons to stay alive the only answer came to him was Isak. This was not the first time. Every up and down had somehow always Isak, be the impulsive purchasing of random objects to gift to Isak or the old memories to get him through the down and pull him out of the shadows and into the light. The glimpses of blonde curls and beautiful and quiet smiles made it possible to him to go through the days, made his breathing easier.

"Uh...I don't know yet. I mean there is a project, a small one but I don't know what I plan to do after it." He told the truth, to tired to mold it and make it look like something else. He was lost. He admitted it.

Eskild hummed than clapped his hands together in excitement. "Oh, it is so awesome then. You should come to my party this Friday then. This is so good... Now everyone I like will be there."

"Party?" Even asked.

"Yeah, I got engaged." 

This was a surprise, pleasant surprise. "Really? Wow, I am so happy for you, Eskild. Congratulations. Who is it?" Even asked, not being able to hide his excitement now. This was the first thing which has managed to make him feel good in days.

"Well, thank you... His name is David and he is a nurse and we have been together for two years now." Eskild was really happy and excited when he was speaking and Even wished that he always stays like that. "Actually, he works at the same hospital as Isak and Isak is kind of the reason we met actually...." 

Eskild stopped in between sentence after realising that he had said Isak's name or probably after seeing Even's face because Even was now sure that he did not look as happy as he looked just moments ago.

"Oh... Have you met him yet?" Eskild asked tentatively. Even shook his head in no. Eskild didn't say anything but looked contemplative. Even thought that Eskild wouldn't want this drama at his party so he is probably thinking about ways to get out of this and Even understood. So to avoid making things awkward and to spare Eskild to go through it, he decided to step in and say that he was busy or something so he won't be able to attend the party.

But before he could say anything, Eskild spoke. "Its okay. Isak is coming to the party too. You could meet him there and everyone else too. Oh this is good."

Even was surprised for a second but when he was skeptical about it too. There was no way that this was as good as Eskild was thinking it was and also, he didn't want to meet Isak like this. He wanted to meet him when it was just two of them.

"Even, stop thinking so much. It will be okay. Everyone misses you and they'll be so happy to see you again." His tone was now all soothing and relaxed but Even still felt like this can never be aa good as Eskild was making it.

"Just come to the party and you'll see. I have to go now. But please promise me you'll at least think about it." Eskild looked really hopeful and Even was getting tired of being the asshole who ditches his friends just to mop around alone in his apartment so he said yes. They exchanged numbers before Eskild left.

He was not sure about how it'll turn out but he was getting tired of just waiting for a chance to meet Isak. This seemed like a good idea. Yes, other people will be there but may be after all this, he needed other people between them.

At least, until he knew what Isak thought about him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it was kind of short-ish chapter. I will try to write more in the future. Thanks for reading. Feedback is always appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I know I said that the chapters will be longer but I could not find anything else to add here. I just hoped that the readers will feel the emotions by themselves without me providing the template for it. It may have sounded pretentious.Lol. But anyway happy reading and as always thank you so much to everyone who commented and left kudos or even took their time to read the story. It means a lot. ❤

Even has been in a similar situation before, ten years ago.

He stood at the threshold of Nissen looking around in the courtyard. Students standing in groups, hugging each other, shaking hands with each other either because they haven't seen each other all through the summer vacations or to wish good luck for the coming school year or both, who knows. He stood at the gate looking at the various groups and then suddenly his own situation felt even more dire. He had kinda made peace with everything that happened at and after Bakka but being the new kid who transferred in his final year, looking lost was not something that he was looking forward to. 

And now here he was again, standing at the threshold of the entrance leading to the hall where Eskild and David were celebrating their engagement with people they like as Eskild had mentioned. That means they like Even too. Its a nice, intimate and warm setting. With fairy lights on the walls and overhead, giving the allusion of bright stars in the background, present but not interfering and illuminating but not exposing.

But there is a difference between the two situations. Ten years ago he didn't know any of the people who were a part of Nissen. He feels like he doesn't know them now too because five years is a long time to remain the same but he at least recognizes them now. His Bakka friends are also here. Yousef, Mikael and Elias were standing with drinks in their hands, talking. He had met them yesterday because he wanted to be able to go to them today without any surprise or awkwardness. He had told them about coming to the party and everyone was happy. Yousef showed some apprehension but he was also in support, kind of. 

Even doesn't know why they kept on saying that everyone will be happy upon seeing him. He objectively knows that it has the potential to be true but he can't bring his heart to trust it. Things haven't felt this warm and jovial to him to trust it, fully. 

He saw Eva and Noora in one corner, talking in hushed tones. Vilde and Magnus just at a small distance from them being their usual self, at least someone managed to last their love long. He couldn't find Sana and Isak and he had looked around enough to be completely sure. He doesn't have any idea when he became a person who lurks in the corner or boundaries, just eyeing the insides.

Giving one last look around and still not finding the face he wanted to see so desperately, he moved towards his friends. They all enveloped him in a giant group hug which was noisy enough to attract attention from the small gathering of people. Eva and Noora gave him a small surprised smile while Magnus and Vilde made his way toward him.

"Even!, I missed you." Before Even could say the same, Magnus was lunging at him. Even missed Magnus. His simple yet deep views on people and relations. His nature goofy enough for people to drop their guards and enjoy the company. He used to ask dumb, harmless questions which made everyone groan and Isak to roll his eyes and get frustrated but Even always found it endearing. He regrets not making any effort to preserve this connection with Magnus. They had a connection which was not just because of Isak. They shared something common. Because Jonas remained Isak's best friend first then he was Even's friend second, so it was natural that that connection broke given the connection with Isak broke too.

"I missed you too, buddy." Even patted Magnus's back who kept on hugging him.

"I am so mad at you. You didn't call me in two years." Magnus said as he pulled back. He looked mad.

Even gave Vilde a kiss on the cheek who smiled shyly in return.

"I am sorry. I was just busy and not in a good place too. I will not make the same mistake again..."

Before Even could continue, someone approached them. It was him- Adrian. He is tall. Even couldn't see it last time or he didn't remember him being this tall but he is as tall as Isak, dark brown hair and brown eyes. He is good-looking, objectively Even could see it but right now his face was annoying to him. He looked smug or may be Even was projecting.

He looked at Even as he came closer and it looked like he recognized him. He hugged Magnus and kissed Vilde on the cheek who looked comfortable enough with the gesture. He shook his hands with Mikael, Elias and hugged Yousef, all the while giving looks to Even. He then extended a hand towards him.

"Hi, I am Adrian." Even shook his hand. 

"Even."

"Yeah, I know you. You are Isak's....friend. I've heard a lot about you." Adrian said. There was a lot of hostility in his words but also there is still a high chance that Even was being petty but he did get weird vibes from the guy though. He was attractive, confident almost to the level of being smug and Isak liked him so...

Even stood there not being able to think of something to say back to him. It was sure that the guy knew who Even was really because it was implied when he referred to Isak as his "friend". Even just didn't know why there was any need to bring that in the conversation. They could have easily pretended to not know of each other and just avoided addressing it altogether.

Even was also sure that everyone could see and feel how awkward this interaction was and when Elias coughed loudly, only then the weird staring contest between Even and Adrian came to a halt.

"Yousef, Good to see you again. I see your wife has abandoned you again just like my boyfriend has abandoned me." He turned towards Yousef who scoffed amusingly in return.

"Isak is here? I haven't seen him." It was Magnus.

"Yeah. He is here. He is inside one of the room. With Sana." Adrian replied.

"What are they doing? Are they geeking out again on some medical paper?" Elias joked which kind of fell flat. Not his fault.

"Yeah. They have got this apparently super interesting surgery scheduled next week and they both are partnered up for it but their Chief has said that they have got to agree on absolutely everything before the surgery begins so they don't argue over it in the operation theatre. So they have been talking a lot...like all the time. I fucking swear, all I hear these days are grafting and immunosuppressives and centrifuge and tissue culture and other medical mumbo jumbo I tune out . I am afraid the first words of my daughter will be one of those instead of Pappa which I may or may not have been repeating to her almost every second she is awake." Yousef said with a laugh and everyone joined him.

"Yeah, last night I woke up and saw that Isak was not in bed-" Adrian started speaking and looked at Even and there was no way Even imagined it, he smirked "- and I thought that may be his insomnia is acting up again so I went outside the room to look for him and I saw him sitting at the kitchen table with books and laptop opened. They were Skyping at 2:30 in the morning. I was not sure whether to be proud or concerned or laugh."

You can do all that together but not sound like a prick, Even thought to himself.

"Oh yeah. They were talking till 4, right?" Yousef asked and Adrian nodded his head in yes. Even could not stand it anymore. He and Yousef used to be in the same situation back when Isak and Sana started medical school.

As if Magnus could read his thoughts, he spoke and gave him an out of this situation.

"Even, you wanna meet everyone?"

Even has probably never agreed to anything faster. "Yeah.... Let's go meet Eskild and David." He nodded towards his friends and led the way with Magnus and Vilde following, even though Even had no idea where he could find Eskild.

" Have you seen Eskild, by the way?" He asked Magnus and Vilde.

"Yeah, he was in the kitchen a while ago. May be he is still there." Vilde spoke while gesturing behind her back.

"Okay. Thank you, Vilde and Magnus. I am gonna find you later, okay?" They both nodded and Even gave Magnus a quick hug and made his way towards the kitchen.

He found Eskild just outside the kitchen talking with someone he didn't recognize. Eskild saw him and beamed and left the staff person he was earlier talking to.

"Even, you came after all." Even hugged Eskild and complemented on the party.

"Thank you. You are very sweet. But it was all David. I was busy at work so didn't get to help much... You haven't met David, right?" Eskild asked but didn't wait for Even's reply. He was looking around and then he finally spotted someone and tugged Even with him towards the man. He had to be David if the way Eskild attacked his mouth was the indication.

"David, meet Even." Eskild said after they both let go of each other. David looked the same age as Eskild. His blonde hair were short, shorn almost to nothing and he had blue eyes. They made a good looking couple.

"Even? Isak's Even?" David said while shaking hands with Even. 

Even didn't have time to say anything about it before Eskild was giving David a look. David looked confused for a second and then he understood. He looked now apologetic and Even understood what was the meaning behind the look.

It hurt a little and made him uncomfortable that people he didn't know, didn't recognize, knew him. But they knew him as Isak's Even. Which he was not, not anymore. He didn't correct him though. Felt good to pretend, even just for a second.

"Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't realize. Its just everyone talks about you so much that its easy to forget." David looked sincere and Even was tired. He was also conflicted about what to feel about the fact that apparently everyone talks about him and not in the way he was expecting. David didn't look at him like he wanted to murder him. He looked like he liked him.

"Don't worry about it." Even managed to say.

"Which reminds me. Where is Isak anyway? He is supposed to be giving the toast." David said looking at Even. "He is for sure trying to find a way out of this. He can do anything but just don't ask him to say something nice about the his friends at their engagement party. That kid. He begged so much to get out of this that I almost said yes."

Even chuckled. He knew this about Isak. He would fight homophobes in the middle of the street, say the most philosophical shit when high and declare his feelings in the most unprecedented ways but when it comes to saying things in front of friends, he gets shy and Even finds it sickeningly adorable if that's something possible.

"I am gonna go find him. See you later, Even." David said. He gave one chaste kiss to Eskild and then went to look for Isak.

"I have guests to greet." Eskild said looking towards the party where the number of guests was steadily increasing.

"Yeah, sure. Thanks again for inviting me." Even said. Eskild gave him a quick hug and then left. 

Even stood there for a minute not knowing what to do. He felt ridiculously out of place. He wanted to leave but also didn't want to be rude to Eskild and David. After another minute, he decided to go to the washroom, to wash his face and chill down a bit because he was getting nervous again.

The bathroom was empty save for one closes stall but Even just needed to cool down a bit. So he washed his hands and was thinking about the appropriate time to leave the party as soon as possible without being rude when the stall door opened and he looked in the mirror to see behind his back on instinct and felt his heart stop beating.

Isak just stood there, frozen and shocked, just like Even. The stall door hit him in the back when it closed and made him stumble a few steps forward to regain his balance and only then he lowered his eyes. Their gazes met again in the mirror seconds later.

Isak was wearing a suit, his hair styled with gel but you could still see the stubborn curls around his temple fighting so hard to let go of the confines put on by the gel and dying to do what was natural to them. The sight was adorable and breathtaking.

None of them spoke. And Even was searching inside his mind to say the right thing but what is the right thing to say to the person who was and probably still is your whole world and then suddenly it popped inside his head.

Even lowered his gaze and proceeded to wash his hands like nothing heart-stopping event had happened just seconds ago and like his heart was still not hammering inside his chest. When he was satisfied that it was enough to wash the nervousness he was feeling, he closed the tap and moved towards the tissue paper dispenser with as much nonchalance he could gather considering the moment he was put in.

Very methodically he started pulling out the paper just like he did ten years ago but today his heart was beating faster than that day. He didn't understand why because according to him, the stakes were the same. Just like that day, today too he was looking a chance to get to know the most beautiful person he has ever come across.

May be it was his lucky day because the paper roll was emptier than last time. Then he made a show of wiping his mouth with the last bit of paper and then he turned back to look at Isak, all too slowly while looking him straight in the eyes.

Isak stood there looking at him in disbelief and slightly upset but Even was playing a character here and he decided he would acknowledge anything else later on, right now he needed to finish the scene.

"Oh, did you need tissues too?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another short chapter. Please don't hate me but I just couldn't write anything else to this chapter.
> 
> The first section is a flashback scene of around six years before in the past, just to make it clear. Any way, enjoy.

***

"Hey baby, how was your day?" Even asked the as soon as Isak said hello and settled in front of the laptop and as expected Isak gave one exaggerated sigh and then slumped further down on the sofa.

"Umm, I don't know. Exhausting, I guess. I had to deal with a very angry lady who won't let me check her stitches for infection but also kept on saying that I was not helping her. Then, when we were on the rounds, Dr. Nils asked me a question which I couldn't remember the answers of, even though I've already read the chapter and he looked at me like I was the biggest disappointed of his whole day and then I had a 3 hours long study session with Sana and Erik and now here I am. What about you?" He finished his rant and looked at Even.

He did look exhausted and sleepy and Even wondered if he should let him sleep and end this skype date. Even though it was only the second date of the week (they were really dropping the ball here) unlike the daily dates they had when Even had first moved to Copenhagen.

"Well, not as eventful as yours but guess what- Larson took my advice today for a scene and shot the way I would have, so that was amazing." Even replied and watched as Isak slightly got up from what looked like a very comfy position and smiled at him.

"I told you, didn't I? He is going to realise just how fucking amazing you are." Isak was excited, that much Even could tell but the way his eyes were dropping closed and the yawn he was trying so hard to stifle was also visible. Even really didn't like seeing him like that. With the extra pressure of course work and also the fact they had started going on rounds with the doctors was more than what Isak previously had to handle. It was taking a toll and Jonas had mentioned that he was having trouble sleeping again. Given Isak's history with living alone and food, he was also not eating at time and right.

But there was not much Even could do. He was sitting in another country.

"Isak, you should eat and then go to sleep because you look like hell."

Isak looked at him offended, he tried to anyway. His tired face was making it really hard to form any expressions.

"How dare you? I don't look like hell. I look like a model. A very sexy model." He said while simultaneously yawning.

Yeah, he looks like a model. Even knows that. But right now he looked like a very tired model who needed food and sleep.

"And I want to talk to you. I miss you so fucking much, Even. We don't really talk anymore. I just want this year to end so you can come back to me." Isak whined and Even's heart broke at the sight because he looked so sad. No pretense of playfulness. Isak was really tired to be his playful self.

It has just been three months. There were still nine more months to go, to stay apart.

It started out great. They talked, texted and skyped all the time during the first month. Then Isak's new semester started and Even started getting more and more responsibilities related with the shoot and the production and their talks became less and less frequent. Skype sessions were limited to once or twice in a week and phone calls became shorter. Still, they were pulling through.

"I want to talk to you too, baby but you should sleep. Otherwise tomorrow you'll be sleepy and exhausted all the day too and then Dr. Nils will again be disappointed. Do you want that?" Even said while trying to hide his reluctance to let go of Isak. He did miss his boyfriend so much but it was also necessary that Isak doesn't miss his sleep. Its always a complicated relationship between Isak and sleep and Even didn't like anything that may make it worse.

"No but... Okay. Promise me we'll talk tomorrow or day after tomorrow. I really miss you. You are coming home next week, right?" Isak asked as he removed his hoodie and now was only wearing a t-shirt that belonged to Even.

"Yeah and I miss you too. We'll talk tomorrow. Okay? Now get some sleep. I love you." Even said while blowing a kiss to Isak who smiled softly. His tired expressions made it look even more soft.

"I love you too, Even."

***

With every second that passed without any kind of reaction from Isak made Even paranoid. He was afraid of fucking up and that is exactly what he ended up doing. He didn't know what made him pull this act. He just wished Isak would react, in any way. He would take any reaction over the way Isak just stood there looking frozen and without any hint of change. He looked confused, upset and a whole other thing that Even couldn't put his finger on.

Right now, he could take anything over the silence. Isak could scream at him or outright tell him to fuck off or just humour him and play along. Just do something baby, Even found himself wishing. But every passing second was making him fidgety and squirmy. But then Isak took pity on him when he looked down at Even's hand that held a slightly rumpled piece of paper, looked up again and then took the paper in his own hand.

Even sighed in relief, loud enough to make Isak look up again. Even smiled but Isak didn't return it.

"I, uh, don't have any joint with me today so..." He said while putting his finger behind his ear. Isak's gaze followed the movement.

And then it happened. Only in a few seconds and it was fast enough that Even would have missed the actual process if he wasn't literally staring at Isak's face. Isak's expressions changed. Completely. He had a smile on his face now. Polite. Professional. Not genuine.

Even hated it. Hated the fact that Isak was giving him "the doctor smile."

Isak cleared his throat before speaking.

"You came? I wasn't really sure that you'd come."

Na. This was all wrong. Even knew it. Isak knew it because he wasn't meeting Even's eyes. He moved towards the sink and was now washing his hands while completely ignoring Even's gaze.

"You knew I was back in town?" Even asked in surprise because he didn't know that Isak knew.

Isak looked up in the mirror for a second. "Yeah... Eskild told me and your mom mentioned it a while ago that you were thinking about it."

Right. Both of these things made sense. Isak and Eskild talk daily. Isak and his mom talk too. That was a thing. It has completely slipped out of his mind until now. Isak and his mom are friends. They still have lunch together, mainly on birthdays or some other important days. This was a tradition that was still intact, not as strong as it was years ago but still strong enough.

It had started during the first year of their relationship. They both were supposed to have lunch with his mom on her birthday but then Even got depressed. Isak ended up going on the lunch alone because a.) Even was tired of Isak fussing over him all day and b.) Isak needed to get out the apartment and interact with other people and Even's mom was someone who has been seen enough of Even's ups and lows, so that was an added bonus. After that it became a regular thing and Even didn't have any reason to complain.

Even himself has tried to maintain a sort of relationship with Isak's mother. She was in an assisted care facility and both Even and Isak being busy with university, couldn't go to meet her as often. Also on many occasions she didn't even recognised him but he'd send her flowers regardless on her birthday and on mother's day. He still does it.

"Yeah. Offcourse. That makes sense. So..." He really didn't know how to carry this conversation further and apparently neither did Isak.

The silence stretching for a few moments again.

"How you've been?" Isak asked.

(Miserable. Lonely. Missed you.) There were a lot of ways to say the same thing. To emphasise and highlight it so that Isak could know exactly how he has been.

"Good. You?" Even said instead.

Isak took a second longer to respond. His polite smile was gone now so that was something but he also looked sad.

"Good. Yeah, good." Isak looked so nervous now and also so much younger. His hair bouncing a bit as he nodded his head when speaking.

"You look good, Isak. Like really good... just like always." Even blurted out it without speaking. Didn't know of it'd make things more awkward than they were.

Isak didn't say anything to acknowledged it. He diverted from the topic. "Where are you staying?" He asked.

"At my mother's old apartment. Until I find a new place or something. But its also convenient so I don't know." Even was planning to move out and find a new place but also he wanted to settle in the city first. With all the new things, the apartment brought a sense of familiarity that he was reluctant to let go.

Isak hummed in response.

"Its good to see you again, Even and we..." Before Isak could say anything further someone opened the door to the washroom.

"There you are. David and Eskild have been looking for you, Isak. You are supposed to be giving the toast. Remember?" The man said. Even hasn't seen him before ever.

Isak looked startled for a second but then he nodded his head at the man.

"Yeah, just give me a second." He told the man who looked between them and then left the room. Isak now turned to look at Even.

"I should go." Even nodded. " But it was really good to see you."

"Yeah, you too." Even said but needed to clear his throat before speaking.

Isak nodded once again and then left. He didn't look back once while leaving.

Even stood there watching him go. Not knowing what to do and how to make him come back.


End file.
